Third Wheel
by Josslyn Blanchard
Summary: If I killed Bella, I can't help but wonder if Edward would hit me with his sparkly, Gucci purse. **** Major Overhaul Rewrite.
1. All That Sparkles

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Cool? Cool.**

**1**

**All that Sparkles**

I once knew a girl named Bella Swan. She was a total spazz—like her last name was some kind of sick joke her ancestors decided to play on her because I swear the girl didn't have a graceful bone in her body. I have no idea why the boys all came to her yard. I mean, my milkshake was clearly better than hers—creamier, colder, and easier to suck through a straw.

Of course, I understand the appeal of a new girl from a place so foreign and distant. Forks is my kingdom, but even I can admit that nothing of note happens here. But when Mike started making googly eyes at her, she became a mild annoyance. Sure, I was nice to her. I didn't let on that she was slowly crossing over to the side of my list where few have ever returned. I am nothing if not well-mannered. It's one of those small town queen bee clichés I'm obligated to fulfill.

The Mike thing I could let go. Mike was average. Mike was decent looking. Mike was my back up plan, but Edward Cullen? Edward Cullen was my fantasy. And when a girl takes both your fantasy and your back up plan, it becomes an issue of dignity.

Sure, Edward was mysterious and brooding and I swore I once saw him sparkle when a stray ray of light hit his skin. But that was all part of his charm and I was willing to except him for all of him…even the borderline metrosexual parts of him. I mean if a man that gorgeous wants to use glitter body spray, I will not be the woman to say he can't.

So yeah, I kind of lost my center at the beginning of my junior year. I'm not going to lie. And I might have completely lost myself half-way through, become a hardened criminal, and used lip gloss as eye shadow, but who are you to judge me? So what if I killed Bella Swan? I did what needed to be done.

Was it bloody? Yeah.

Tragic? To some.

Sparkly? It wouldn't be Jessica Stanley crime without sparkles, sluts.

**!-!-!**

He was staring at her from across the cafeteria. She would look over at him and he would look away, brooding. Then she would look away and he would stare at her again. Did I mention that Edward was always brooding? I'm pretty sure if our school offered a class in brooding, Edward would be the only man truly qualified to teach it, but he was hot so it was cool.

My left eye twitched.

Bella looked at Edward again.

"Bella," I said. "Don't even think about it."

She looked at me. "Huh?"

"The Cullens. They don't associate with anyone at this school. Especially Edward..." I trailed.

Eric chimed in. "Yeah, he turned Jessica down before she could even bat her squinty little eyes at him. It was Forks history—a truly magical moment."

Eric had a faraway look in his eyes as if reliving the moment. I huffed, snapping him out of his sick little day dream. Eric had always been kind of a toolbox, but we'd been friends since…a long time, so I tolerated him. But moments like these made me want to string him up by his eyelashes to the top of the flag pole.

"That's a funny joke about my eyes being squinty, Asian."

He knew how I was about my secret humiliations. I like them to stay secret. As far as the rest of the student body was concerned, I was a capable, somewhat vapid, lacrosse champion—the face of the people. What I lacked in brains, I made up for in cup size.

"Low blow, Stanley. Low blow," Eric said, covering his face with his hands.

"You don't have to be racist, Jessica," Mike said. "Look, now he's all self-conscious."

Eric had never been self-conscious a day in his life. In fifth grade, when both his pants and his underwear fell down during the talent show in the middle of his rousing performance of the "Sun Will Shine," he continued to sing…with bravado even while every girl in the room bawled her eyes out, me included. And I don't know about the others, but my tears had nothing to do with the high note Eric hit at the end.

"Look, all I wanted was a pencil. I wasn't asking for the guy's hand in marriage."

"I don't know, Jessica," Eric said. "I saw his face and he was freaked out."

Bella sat observing our conversation silently. After an obvious lull in the conversation, she kind of giggled nervously.

"I, uh, no. I wasn't…like…thinking about uh…hooking up with Edward. Not my type," she said looking down with this small little infuriating smile.

Even at this point in our relationship, I found her to be…gross.

Mike pounced on the opportunity to wiggle his way into Bella's good graces with a little of what he liked to call the "Mikey magic." There was very little magic involved; just eyebrow waggling and shameless flattery. I'd been there. I was there, just a day before—before Bella Swan. I smirked at Angela. She just kind of shrugged noncommittally. I could see her nursing psychobabble theories in her head about my behavior. By the end of the day she would have a full psychological analysis for me, typed.

Angela was **that** kid.

"How about me, Bella…am I your type?" Mike asked. The signature eyebrow waggle was not too far behind.

Mike was just so boring. I could always predict him.

That's why when the bell rang I could predict him pretending to act cool in front of Bella—nonchalant; as if his relationship with our biology teacher was a good one—as if he could afford a tardy. I could predict that he would offer to carry her stuff to class and that he'd smile his most charming smile. I could predict that Bella would refuse his offer and generally look uncomfortable.

Because for all of Mike's forced charm, even Bella (who was probably mentally challenged) could tell there was nothing underneath.

* * *

**A/N: If you're one of the people who started reading this two or three years ago, hi. Thank you so much for coming back even though I had every intention of completely abandoning this.( I bring dishonor to my penname and to my cow.) **

**If you're wondering what happened to Joss, my grumpy little OC, I dumped her a ravine. Her motivation was just too thin and everything was unraveling. Nothing was making a whole lot of sense. It was okay because this is a parody and Twilight doesn't always make sense, but Joss was just...too difficult to write. I really did try to write chapter 7. In fact, I have four different drafts of it laying about, but it wasn't working. Joss does not belong in Twilight; she's just too hostile to the whole idea of...socialization and she needs an entirely different story line period. Plus, I realized Jessica has so much potential and she actually does belong because she's a CC. So, I tried rewriting it from her perspective and I don't know...it just works for me. **

**So that's what's happening. I hope you stick with me. Your support, jokes, and constructive critism have meant a lot even though I return the favor by taking three whole years to update. But hey, better late than never, right? **

**And if you're new, hello. Welcome to the insanity. **


	2. Intruders

**2**

**Intruders**

After only three days of school, our sexually repressed English teacher had already assigned us reading from an actual published work of fiction. The nerve. I wouldn't mind so much if Lauren wasn't trying to snatch my position as captain of the volleyball team, but I did not have time to read about Heath Cliff's strong desire to remain dirty. I threw the book, but I never heard it hit the ground. I'm going to be honest; Heath Cliff and I had something in common: a vested interest in remaining filthy. My closet had this habit of vomiting its contents onto the floor of my bedroom and it was a clean-up I just wasn't interested in. Angela called it laziness; I liked to think of it as maximizing the space. So I wasn't really surprised when the sound of my copy of Wuthering Heights hitting the ground was consumed by what I assumed was tomorrow's outfit. I was, however, startled to the point of losing control of my bladder when red filled my vision.

At first, I thought my eyes were bleeding. A scream caught in my throat. Helen Keller would be such a bad look on me. A guide dog? No thanks. As far as I was concerned, if it didn't fit in a teacup, it wasn't a dog; it was a monstrosity. I reached out in front of me and my hands met cold, hard…marble? A vice of frigid stone suddenly wrapped around my throat from behind and the red receded. I found myself looking into the cold eyes of man…or more of a living statue. Now that blindness had been ruled out, I was faced with insanity. I couldn't say I was excited about either prospect. A voice sounded in my ear, airless, lifeless, and female.

Holy dump. There were two of them.

"Don't touch unless asked," she said.

At this point, I'm sad to admit that I was openly weeping and probably in the fetal position.

"Oh Jane, lighten up," the red-eyed statue in my line of sight said. "I think we caught her off guard."

He clapped his hands as if he were delighted. As if he had thrown me a surprise party and only invited hot guys. As if all my gifts were in little blue boxes from Tiffany's. He did not look as if he had appeared out of nowhere. He looked…corporeal despite the deep crimson eyes.

"Off guard?" I choked out. "Catching someone off guard is running into someone you haven't seen in years at the grocery store and you're wearing the shortest shorts you own and you haven't even shaved your legs! This? I don't know what the hell this is."

"Oh dear. Jane, I think she's right. We've been rude. We haven't even introduced ourselves!"

I looked at him, horrified. The last thing I wanted was an introduction. I wanted him out of my house…or my mind or whatever. I just wanted to go back to sulking about my average life. Weird was also a bad look on me.

"Jane, stop lurking in that dark corner and get over here. I don't want Jessica to think we're savages," the man said.

I wasn't too concerned about them knowing my name. After all, I was MySpace famous.

A beautiful girl who I assumed was Jane joined the man standing at the foot of my sleigh bed. Her eyes were an even brighter shade of red.

Cool.

They waited expectantly. Were they expecting me to stand and curtsy or was there going to be a synchronized dance? I hoped neither.

"I am Aro," the man said finally, pointing to himself. "And this," he said with a sweeping hand in the girl's direction. "is Jane."

"Kay," I said slowly. "What do you want? How'd you get in here? Why did Jane try to strangle me? I need answers."

Jane looked like she was ready to gently stroke my face with a high speed power saw. Aro's restraining hand was my only salvation.

"Jane's violence has no bounds. It's one of the things I like best about her. As for how we got inside? Through the front door."

I blinked. "What?"

"You so kindly left it unlocked for us! Don't feel bad, dear. We would have gotten in either way."

I still couldn't tell if I was having a vivid hallucination or not. Was this like… an early April fool's joke? Because it wasn't funny.

"Now let me see your hand," Aro said.

I shook my head vehemently. "Nope. Not happening. I'm going to call 911 and Chief Swan is totally going to junk punch you and I'm just going to hide under my bed now, so if you'll excuse me."

I slid from the top of my bed and promptly crawled under it. The cordless phone had to be under there somewhere. I felt the smooth plastic right as Aro stuck his head under the bed, his white hair falling into his eyes. There was no trace of the previous delighted grin on his face.

"Jessica, I don't want to hurt you, but you are being very uncooperative and Jane is …hungry."

"There's a very nice diner right down the street; excellent service, great burgers."

Aro chuckled. "You and I both know that's not what I meant, dear."

I blinked and I was sitting on top of my bed again, dizzy and completely disoriented. Did Aro do that? I looked to Aro and was met with a cold hard stare that dared me to cross him. When I wished for an exciting year on my birthday, this is so not what I meant.

"Now," Aro said, smiling once again. "Let me see your hand."

I decided I could spend quality time under my bed later and maybe holding hands with a statue would be better than…whatever it was Jane had planned for me if I didn't comply.

His hand was cold and hard and as his fingers closed around my hand, I felt trapped. He regarded me with a blank stare.

"What's he doing?" I asked Jane against my better judgment.

She ignored me completely, watching Aro intently.

He suddenly laughed and I couldn't help but wonder if this was how they inducted people into their weird red contact lens cult. I was totally praying they were wearing contact lenses, but I kind of knew they weren't. And from the way Jane eyed me (the way Eric eyes spicy tuna rolls), I had a feeling that she wasn't exactly what you'd call "human." That was the only logical explanation, right? My English teacher freshman year had declared my rhetoric akin "to the triumphant efforts of a somewhat literate squirrel on ecstasy." So what did I know?

After a moment more of Aro's blank staring, he suddenly released my hand, bending down to my level. I squirmed a bit.

"Are you a bit slow, dear?" he asked, tilting his head to the side.

I saw Jane roll her eyes out of the corner of my eye. "She's a human, Aro. You really can't expect much."

That was totally uncalled for. I was about to tell her what exactly she could expect from this particular human, but Aro's next words chased the sentiment back down my throat.

"We're vampires, darling," Aro said.

And suddenly, my teenage angst was justified.


	3. Inkling

_Dedicated to Sabrina (Lady Terade) for being so utterly loyal and supportive. Luv ya, Chica._

**Disclaimer: If I owned Twilight, it would probably go something like this parody. However, I DON'T own Twilight, so you'll never know.**

**Chapter 4**

**Inkling**

I burst out laughing. I didn't believe he was serious. He couldn't be. I stopped laughing when I noticed his suddenly grim expression. I don't think I've ever seen the man…er…vampire without something akin to a goofy grin on his face.

"You mean to tell me that you, potentially the most powerful vampire on Earth, want to use me to meddle in the affairs of school children?"

Aro wrung his hands and mumbled, "When you put it like that…"

Jane spoke up from her corner. "Not that it concerns you, but Edward is a potential…asset to us."

I noticed the boy in the corner, standing perfectly straight next to Jane. I frowned. An extra vampire couldn't mean anything good. "Who's he?" I asked, feeling that this question was more important than the last. The boy didn't look too much older than me, but that didn't stop my voice from shaking slightly when I posed the question.

"Sister," the boy spoke. "should I tell her who I am or _show _her?"

I didn't even want to know what he meant by that statement.

"Children," Aro chided. "It's natural for Jossy to be curious. Try to see the situation as she sees it."

"Don't patronize us, Aro. Alec and I are only a couple hundred years younger than you."

I stared blankly at them. Something suddenly clicked in my head. The Cullens were all vampires.

"_What are the cold ones?" Bella asked._

_Jacob smiled darkly._

"_Blood drinkers," he replied. "Your people call them vampires."_

I smiled triumphantly. "You're subject to the treaty. You can't do anything if I say no."

Jane raised an eyebrow. "Can't do anything?"

Aro nodded slightly. It was as if he were giving her permission to do something horrific to me. I took a step back; my heart suddenly beating more quickly than what could possibly be considered healthy.

Darkness. It took me by surprise. The rich maroon of the painted wall I was staring at was replaced by black. I shook my head, attempting to clear my head, but as I looked around there was nothing but darkness. I opened my mouth to speak and I couldn't hear the words I was certain I had spoken. I realized I couldn't feel the cold air of my room. I always set my thermostat to 70.

What the…

I swiped at the air expecting something to change, but nothing did. I slid to what I thought was the floor, but never felt myself hit the ground. Coming to the conclusion that whatever was happening to me was out of my hands, I waited.

I waited for what seemed like hours. The smell of carpet cleaner hit my nose suddenly and for the first time I realized that my eyes were shut.

"Does that answer your question, human?"

"A threat would have sufficed," I moaned, holding my head. Her voice was making my ears ring.

"Some of us have special gifts," Aro said as way of explanation. "So will you assist us?"

I jumped to my feet, staggering. "I am a highschool student, president of the debate club, known for my biting sarcasm and being a general witch. "

Jane rolled her eyes. "Ha. Witch. Right."

I ignored her and continued. "When I'm not bogged down with homework, I'm doing chores or working at the stupid job my mother made me take because is not as if I have anything _better_ to do." I huffed. "And you expect me, to trail two willfully idiotic, masochists? I don't have the time or the inclination!"

"Jossy, calm yourself. We've taken these issues into consideration."

I stared at him.

"We sent in your letter of resignation. One of my personal bodyguards is taking care of your chores along with your biology and English homework," Aro continued.

"You sent in a letter of resignation to the _diner?_"

Aro nodded. "Signed."

"But it's a diner…" I shook my head. It didn't matter. I hated that job anyway.

I sighed. "I'll do it under one condition."

Aro clapped his hands. "What is it, dear?"

"I want all "A"s."

**-!-!-!-**

"Can you believe the theme of the prom? I mean honestly, it's so gaudy!"

For once, Jessica was not mistaken. Our prom's theme was tacky, but it didn't really concern me. I wasn't going. My excuse was that I wouldn't ever stoop so low. Ha. The real reason was that no one dared ask me after what happened last year to poor Tyler. It was so bad that even I pitied him and I was the one who caused his humiliation. He should have known not to ask me out. I mean there was practically a sign on my forehead that read "Step off".

"We're all going to di—"Eric's rant about the animals that were killing off humans at an alarming rate was cut off by Jessica.

"Look at Edward Cullen talking to Bella. Look how he just bounced her apple off his foot and caught it. He's so coordinated…" Jessica sighed. I slowly turned my head and nearly groaned. Ever since Bella had almost been run over by Tyler's stupid SUV, she had become even more infatuated with Cullen. At this rate, I would never be able to break them up. I could only hope Edward wasn't as interested as Bella was.

I quickly got up from my chair, feeling like a complete idiot. Foolishness was becoming a pastime. I was turning into a loon. Vampires, jealousy, eaves dropping, and now this, stalking the girl who I've worked so hard to stay away from.

Edward's head snapped towards me, before I was completely out of my chair. He stared at me a good minute, before narrowing his eyes. Any thoughts of interrupting their conversation were promptly chased out of my head. "I've got to go to the restroom," I mumbled as way of explanation.

_Idiot. You're such an idiot._

They told me to guard my thoughts, when I was around him. What did that even mean? In the bathroom, I splashed water on my face and took a good look at myself. I looked a mess. I guess I always did. I never really put any effort into my appearance past the basics. I smoothed a stray curl down and walked back into the cafeteria.

I was met by loud screaming.

"YOU'RE NOT BAD!"

"YOU'RE WRONG!"

"YOU'RE LIKE JOKER IN BATMAN BEGINS!"

Edward seemed to realize where they were. "What do you mean I'm like Joker?" he asked in a harsh whisper. He was still too loud. Undoubtedly, the whole cafeteria heard him.

"You're the hero, moron." Bella rolled her eyes. "Plus, you're wearing lipstick, aren't you?"

Edward tilted his head to the side and stared deeply into her eyes. "Maybe there really isn't anything up there…"

"Anything where?"

**-!-!-!-**

I smiled as my mother ducked into my Cooper. She was way too tall for the car and she always bumped her head on the top of the car, swearing in her special way. "Son of a Bazooka, Joss, honey, when are you going to upgrade from this midget car?"

I couldn't help but roll my eyes. "You bought me this "midget" car, Mom."

"You're sixteen. I couldn't very well buy you a BMW or that blasted Volvo you're so desperate for."

"Of course not, Mom."

My mother laughed, suddenly. She looked at me with a warm smile. "I missed you, dear. Now, buckle up. I need to make sure you haven't burned down the house."

"You're never going to let me live that down, are you?"

"We'll see in a couple of years."

"Changing the subject. Is your hand cramping from all the autographing?"

"Joss, that's the last thing I want to talk about. The last book signing in Rhode Island was a complete disaster."

"You should fire Ty," I muttered. My mother pretended not to hear me, but I know she did. I could tell by the minute flexing of her jaw muscles. Ty had always been a touchy subject. We usually didn't talk about him. It always led to tearful arguments.

I decided to switch tracks. "Mom, do you believe in any of the things you write? Vampires and magic…"

I kept my eyes on the road, but I felt her eyes on me. "No. I don't think it's entirely impossible, but until proven wrong, no I don't believe."

"Hmmm…" I said, trying my best to sound natural. I'd always been a good liar, but when it came to my mother I could hide nothing.

"Why?"

I shrugged keeping both hands on the wheel. "No reason."

**-!-!-!-**

"Hey Bella, I hate to ask, but can sleep at your house tonight? My mom and I got into a fight…"

_Omg, Jossy. Of course!_

"You're not mad at me after the whole La Push incident?"

_What's there to be mad about?_

"Oh… Thanks."

_The girls and I are halfway to Port Angeles. Do you—_

"I'll drive up there and just hang with you guys. If I'm in this house any longer…" I sighed. "I'll see you in about thirty minutes."

_Bella giggled excitedly. "See you then."_

* * *

**A/N: **Okay, so not very funny, I know. The antics have yet to begin. As boring as this chapter was, it had to be written. My apologies. The next one will be as juicy as a…the analogy I'm thinking of is not appropriate at ALL. Let's just say it will be much better and leave it at that.

Oh yeah, and yes, I know that the Volturi are NOT held to the treaty that the Cullens made with the Quileutes. But this is from Joss' point of view. She's assuming that the treaty applies to all vampires. She hasn't heard all of the legend. Calm your minds. Take a deep breath. I know. It's okay. It's all okay…

And now, it's time to show some love to my awesomesauce reviewers. I love you guys. I really do.

**Chibi Horsewoman**- Good greif. *shakes head* I love your crazy ideas. It's coming. Soon.

**Moriganna** – Blood lusty, are we? The murder scene is not in the immediate future, but it will be juicy…in more ways than one. (Yes, I am categorically sane.)

**Kateizm**

**LyokoDoReMi- **As far as criticism goes, practice makes perfect. *hint, hint*

**Remyyy- **Dang, girl. New longest review. Mwah.

**LadyTerade- **Actually, you're more like braised spinach. I don't care for meat in any form. Vegetables, I like. Yum.

Thanks you to everyone who favorited and story-alerted! This also makes me happy.


	4. Oh Crap!

_Remy: You are my life now. This one is for you, love. xD_

**Disclaimer: NO!**

**Chapter 5**

**Oh Crap! **

**(PA Adventure Part 1)**

"Why do my armpits smell like vomit?"

I stared at her and then I realized I should have seen it all along. It was obvious, really. The clumsiness, the continual stream of vapid comments, the bleary eyed gaze. Bella was strung out. Stoned. Not just three days of the week. Every. Single. Day. What she was smoking/sniffing/popping, I wasn't sure.

My real question was how she hid it from Chief Swan for so long. It had been just over two months since she had moved to Forks.

How am I so sure? I'm getting ahead of myself. I should start from the beginning of my disturbing Port Angeles adventure...

**!-!-!**

It all started with a lie.

My mom and I didn't really have a fight. I mean we did, but it was about what color to paint the kitchen and it ended in a soapy water fight.

Why did I lie?

Because it's fun…well, that and the fact that the moment I stop acting like an antisocial ruffian most people become suspicious. Even though, Jessica's not perceptive enough to pick up on behavioral patterns, Angela plans on majoring in psychology.

It would suffice to say she's a closet gossip whore. And me? Shopping? It's no secret that it's second on my list of my least favorite activities, the first thing being stalking Bella Swan.

The bell jingled as I entered the small dress shop.

"This dress makes my boobs look…really…like bouncy," I heard a voice say. Jessica. Bella looked at me from her perch in the window.

"Jossy!"

I blinked. The more the nickname was used, the more I hated it. My name is Joss. Not Josslyn. Not Josie. Certainly not Jose. Joss. Why some people feel the need to add more is beyond me.

"Hey Bella," I said with a tight smile. I was tempted to verbally back-hand her, but for once in my life I decided to choose my battles more wisely.

Bella got up. "I was thinking about going to…the like, bookstore. Wanna come with? "

I shrugged. "Why not? We can take my car."

Bella shook her head. "It's not that far. I could use some…fresh air."

I shook my head, no. "It's about to get dark. Port Angeles is all quaint and nice during the daytime, but at night…" I shook my head again. "It's not a good idea. The sun will set in about an hour."

Bella rolled her eyes. "Jossy, I'm not going to take anywhere near an hour. I know exactly what I want." She giggled. "Plus, I ate two chili dogs before we came here."

I blinked again, waiting for her to explain.

"Now, I feel fat."

I continued to stare. Was I supposed to tell her that she has a lovely figure? She doesn't. She's got the flattest butt I've ever seen in my life. Looking at her butt was like looking at the Texas Prairie. Not a hill in sight. But I was more than willing to lie.

"If I walk around a bit, I won't feel so fat. What if we run into someone from school? I can't have people seeing me feeling fat."

I could literally feel a vein about to explode on the side of my forehead. Maybe it was just a migraine. I think I'm allergic to nonsense.

I exhaled. "Let's go."

We made it to the book store in fifteen minutes. Bella actually knew where she was going. Competency, for once! I almost hugged her. Almost.

It was some kind of antique book store. The books were beautiful and old. It smelled heavenly—like mildewed, moldy paper. I looked around a bit and found most of the books were boring. I entertained myself by playing poker on my mother's phone.

The store wasn't large, but twenty five minutes later, Bella was still looking for the book. And _then, _two minutes after that, she finally asked the clerk if they even had the book. They didn't. That migraine was coming back full force.

"Bella, it's getting dark," I said.

When she looked at me she was almost pouting. How disgusting.

Not even the fact that I was surrounded my books calmed me down. Maybe I have anger management issues. I was trying my best to be rational and not beat the crap out of this infuriating woman. I was overreacting. I guess. Maybe.

I took a deep breath, leading the way out of the store. I stayed in the lead.

Looking over at her, I asked, "So, what book were you so desperate for?"

She blushed. "Quileute Vampire Legends."

Oh crap.

She was catching on. I couldn't let her find out…I figured reverse psychology was the smartest course of action.

"My mom"- I paused to flinch for effect, though truthfully, it wasn't needed around Bella-"just bought that book a couple of weeks ago. You could borrow it."

"Really?" She began to babble on about some excuse for why she wanted the book. I tuned her out to focus on where we were going.

"This way," I said.

Apparently she didn't hear me because four blocks later, I turned to her to say something and she wasn't anywhere to be found.

Good riddance.

I wished I could leave her behind. I could have used the excuse that I'm not her freaking babysitter and that I told her to be aware of her surroundings before we even left. The sun was going to set any moment and that idiot was roaming the streets of Port Angeles, a confused frown on her face.

I wrestled with my conscience for a good five seconds, before turning around.

**!-!-!**

I called her name until the sun set. Then I figured it be wise to be more discreet. Why didn't Bella have a cell phone? Chief Swan buys her a truck and doesn't bother to buy her a cell phone? They're not that expensive. You don't even have to sign a contract.

I decided if Bella didn't turn up in the next couple of minutes, I would have no choice but to call Chief Swan.

Then I found her. Surrounded by a bunch of perverts. Why didn't she scream? Hit them? Try to run? Karate kick them until there was internal bleeding? She was just standing there like a scared little girl. I suppose I understood her rationale, seeing as I was in a similar situation just a couple of weeks ago. But it was sad to see her just standing there, scared out of her mind, whimpering.

I quickly pulled my mother's cell phone out and dialed the Port Angeles sheriff. No answer. I called 911. "My friend," I began in a whisper.

My heart jumped a bit, one of the guys looked at me. I skipped the details of what was happening and cut to where we were.

"Can you —"the dispatcher was probably about to ask me some life-saving question, but at that moment the guy rushed towards me, knocking the phone out of my hand. I punched him hard and he fell to the ground in a heap.

My mother's phone was broken. Dandy. She was going to make me pay for her phone and my phone with my own money. Why did she just have to have the iPhone? Why couldn't she be cheap like me?

The rest of the group didn't seem to notice my scuffle with their friend. I suppose they were too enthralled with Bella.

"Hey fellas!" I shouted. It was a bad idea. What was _I _going to do? Sure, I know a bit of jiu-jitsu, but against eight guys I was pretty useless.

_Oh crap. Oh crap. Oh crap. _

"Double the fun," one said.

The one who seemed to be the leader laughed darkly. "And she's got the prettiest gray eyes."

I didn't want to end up trapped like Bella, so I tried to keep my distance. "Back off. The cops are on the way," I bluffed. "See what I did to your friend here? You guys could all share his fate, if you like."

They laughed and turned back to Bella. One of them was approaching her way too quickly. I was forced to act. I ran for him. None of them saw me coming. I plowed through and pushed Bella behind me.

I was hyperventilating. They could all see that I was scared. And surrounded, I wasn't so confident. My next sentence didn't come out so assertive. "My mother will hunt you down if you so much as lay a finger on me."

The leader licked his lips. "But I think you two are worth the consequences."

And then I screamed at the top of my lungs.

And with that scream came a miracle.

**!-!-!**

Edward's silver Volvo screeched to a halt, scattering our assailants. He got out of the car, his door slamming with so much force I was sure the door was going to fall off. But apparently, Volvos like vampires, are invincible.

"Leave my lover dumplings alone." Despite the ridiculousness of the sentence, the way he growled it sounded savage. Not in a sexy, what-a-beast kind of way. Just savage. I was scared and I'd seen worse than Edward. Aro could be quite frightening when he didn't get what he wanted.

"You, get Bella to the car."

It was inappropriate to glare at him, but I was kind of sick of vampires ordering me around just because they're faster than me, stronger than me, and are more intimidating than I am. It doesn't give them the right.

And addressing me by "you"? Edward Cullen knows my name. He's used it a total of one time (when I was found staring at his Volvo longingly), but he's a freaking vampire. Don't they have super brains or something?

I got Bella to the car anyway. She was shaking with joy, laughing, and not very cooperative. I didn't have the energy to insult her or make a rude comment about her strange emotional state. I pushed her into the front seat and slammed the door, then got in the back seat.

By the time I finished buckling my seat belt, the creeps were nowhere to be found. Edward flopped into the car with a huff and proceeded to demand that Bella talk about something, anything.

"If you knew what they were—"he cut himself short, throwing a quick glance at me.

I couldn't resist sending Edward a "mind message." It didn't matter if he knew that I knew he was a bloodsucker, as long as I kept my "mission" a secret.

_I know you're a freak Eddie. No need to pretend around me._

I saw his grip tighten on the steering wheel. Message sent successfully.

_It seems that Bella has forgotten to thank you. So from both of us, thank you for saving our lives._

I voiced my thanks, though. I wasn't quite ready to tip my hand. Edward thanked me back, which was weird, but I didn't question it.

We pulled up to my favorite restaurant in Port Angeles and found Jessica and Angela waiting outside.

The expressions on their faces were so priceless that I burst out laughing. I was probably suffering from shock or something because I couldn't stop. I heard someone ask me if I was alright and I nodded.

"Sorry we ate without you Bella," Jessica said. "We waited forever and Angela was soo hungry."

Angela rolled her eyes. "You waited for a minute and then started talking about lasagna. 'Lasagna,'" Angela imitated in a high-pitched voice. "' Oh em gee. That sounds sooo totally delish. I'm like slobbering. Can you see the drool? Is it white or yellow? You know what else is yellow? Cheese that's on lasagna. Let's eat now, Angie. I'm so HUNGRY!"

Jessica looked darkly at Angela. "Throw me under the bus, why don't you!"

**A/N: ** Better?

It's time to show my special, super duper, special, awesome, special, cool, awesome, reviewers some love! I love you guys, for realsies.

**WhyNot11-** Quiet psychopaths are awesome.

**LyokoDoReMi**

**luckycharms92- **If you marry Victoria, I WILL write about it.

**A. Ymous- **THREE REVIEWS IN ONE DAY.

**Remy Merridew- ** You know I love you. You broke your own record, by the way. This is total sexiness.

**Sabrina Terade-** Even though you didn't review, I know you totally would have if you were in town.

Also, much love to everyone who story alerted and favorited.


	5. The Influence

_You can thank __**Stills and Photographs**__ for this early update._

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. That horrid movie, Serendipity. Or Care Bears. **

**Chapter 6**

**The Influence**

**(PA Adventure Part 2)**

When I got out of the bathroom, they were giggling. Both of them. Including Edward. They instantly stopped when they saw me. I rolled my eyes.

_Giggling is _so_ manly. _

Edward quickly whispered something in Bella's ear and she flicked him on the nose. He whispered something else and she looked at me wide-eyed, and then began laughing obnoxiously.

I didn't want any part of their madness, but leaving them alone would be detrimental to the success of the mission…

Ugh.

I had to stop thinking like some rogue spy. Edward kept looking at me strangely. It was making me nervous. By the end of the night I was sure my secret would be out.

What had Aro said?

Think of the care bears theme song.

_Do you have a place where rainbows grow? _

_To carry a bear who's sliding? _

_Well I have rock in a cave below just perfect for hiding. _

_Do you have a house made all out of wood for keeping you dry when it's raining? _

_I stay on top when the rain goes drop. Look I'm hydroplaning. _

_Forest of Feelings, Care-a-Lot and earth aren't far apart. _

_They differ in some ways, some ways not. Cause home is in your heart. _

I was running the song on repeat in my head as we waited for our food, wondering how I even knew the song. That's when I noticed Edward, Bella, and the weird vegan-looking couple next to us were staring at me.

Bella was the first to speak, "Jossy, that's my favorite song. How did you know?"

Edward looked as if he didn't know what was going on, while the vegan couple offered me a suspicious looking bunch of leaves. "It helps with the side effects of cocaine, dear," she had said. I covered my face with my hands, mortified.

Our skanky waitress, Monica, approached and I knew deep down that things were about to get grotesque. The superior smirk on her face made it obvious she had heard the whole thing.

Our personalities clashed the way red clashes with yellow. I was certain she hated me as much as I hated her.

She batted her eyelashes at Edward, before leaning over to take my glass which was completely full. "Hey, I'm not done with—"She ignored me and instead focused all her attention on Edward.

"Edward, is it?"

Monica must have had some severely perverted thoughts because Edward looked as if he were in physical pain. But then again, Edward always looked like he was in physical pain.

"Yes," was his curt reply.

Why didn't he just ignore her?

She had the audacity to run her hand through his hair. It was a fleeting gesture, but deliberate all the same. Bella missed it, but Edward did not. He moved away from Monica ever so slightly.

I cleared my throat. "Monica, is it?" She ignored me, pointedly. "Get your manager." She didn't seem concerned by threat.

"Gaylord!" she called. "This customer is sexually harassing me."

A frumpy, yet masculine man came from the back. He eyed Edward. "This pretty boy?"

At this point, the whole restaurant was looking at our table. I dreaded what I knew was coming next.

"No," she said flipping her auburn hair. "This lesbo freak." She gestured toward me.

Tact was needed, but I was fresh out. "What are you? An honorary blonde? I ask for my glass of water and now I'm sexually harassing you? What do you call shoving your boobs in his face?"

She sneered at me and then promptly burst into tears. "I was just trying to get you" –she sniffled– "a refill."

Gaylord patted her on the back, muttering something incoherent. Without turning towards us, he pointed toward the door. "Get out of my restaurant or I'll personally escort you out myself.

**-!-**

"Maybe the absence of signs is a sign."

I felt like punching a puppy…a really cute puppy. Somehow, Bella had me watching one of the stupidest movies on earth. If I ever got a hold of John Cusack, I would see to it that he was strangled and possibly mangled for making such a terrible movie.

Bella giggled next to me. "This movie is soo adorable. And I just don't know what's going to happen!"

I blinked. "In the end they'll find each other."

"And hopefully get run over by a bus," I muttered as an afterthought.

Thirty minutes later, Bella gasped loudly. I was sure she had probably woken up Chief Swan. "Jossy. You're like psychic. How did you know what was going to happen?"

"Magic."

Bella stared at me. "Wow," she breathed.

**-!-**

I watched as she pulled a bag of sugar from her dresser drawer. Man, Bella was screwed up. Did she have some sort of…?

And then she stuck it up her nose and that's when I knew. How ironic was it that I was accused of being a drug addict on the same night I found out Bella was snorting crack?

I stared, not really able to say much as she sniffed her armpits and then turned to me. "Why do my armpits smell like vomit?"

I ignored her question. "Bella, what is that?"

She rolled her eyes. "Cold medicine. Duh."

I ran a hand through my hair. "What? Is that some new code…Nevermind. Where'd you get it?"

"Jake gave it to me. He said it's an old natural remedy for a cold. And as an added bonus, it, like, helps you loosen up. He got the recipe from his grandmother. He said that all you have to do is stuff some up your nose and inhale. It helps me sleep, but it gives me these really weird dreams about Edward."

She giggled. "He can read everyone's mind but mine. He's special, ya know."

She was rambling about how beautiful Edward was again, but I wasn't listening. I was fuming. Jacob Black was about to see me in a whole new light.

And it wasn't going to be pretty.

"Give me that," I ordered.

"Whaa?"

I sighed. "The cold medicine."

**

* * *

****A/N**: Not a lot happened in this chapter. I know. It was fillerish, but it's a setup for a chapter where a lot happens.

Reviewer Love Time.

**luckycharms92**- I'm so excited about the cake. And tell Victoria that you wear the wedding dress in the relationship so the bridesmaid dresses will be blue! Oh yeah and the BWT reference I mentioned…it's more like two chapters away. DAN FOR THE WIN!

**Chibi Horsewoman**-You hath been redeemed. Bronzer is coming. I promise.

**A. Ymous- **We all have our vices…Bella's happens to be "cold medicine". *cough* You're not alone.

**LyokoDoReMi- **Life without chocolate is no life at all.

**Sirena-Lune- **At least your guilty pleasure isn't The Jersey Shore, like many other Americans.

**Stills and Photographs- **You inspired this update. Awesome points to you.


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